Fear Itself
by Nitesh
Summary: Remus Lupin stumbles across his worst fear in the Forbidden Forest during his first teaching term, after he tries to block out his old best friend and his betrayal.


**Remus Lupin angst, for your pleasure.**

**Enjoy.**

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Fear Itself

"But Professor, if Kappas are said to originate in Mongolia, why would they be here?"

"This forest has collected a number of creatures over the years in unexplainable ways, Ms. Granger."

The usual dark tempo of the Forbidden Forest seemed like nothing more then the ominous presence of an old, but vanishing, nightmare. Birds chirped happily as they dipped and swerved in a display of aerial skill above high above the ground, daytime birds like the robin and sparrow, which were rarely seen, let alone heard in the Forest, for dark and obvious reasons. The air was warm and inviting, with sunlight streaming through the thick branches onto the Hogwarts class and teacher's upturned faces.

Remus Lupin had never seen a trace of blue sky through the Forbidden Forest's looming tree branches before, and he had most certainly never had a 'wonderful walk in the woods' within a good fifty miles of Hogwarts grounds. He was feeling rather cheerful about this whole exploration- he was taking his third year class to a creek where they could study some Kappas in their natural environment.

Well, actually- Remus looked over his right shoulder at the class- it was only three people that he really recognized. Hermione, Ron and Harry Potter all had exceptionally clear faces as they floated ahead of the group. The rest of the children seemed to be in a fog.

On any other day, Remus would have perhaps noticed this, and thought about it a bit more carefully as to what it could mean. However, on a beautiful, warm day such as this, and the simple fact that he was walking through the forest and doing so had _no_ direct relation to his being a werewolf, Remus's mind idly dismissed the thought as being overly cautious, and all superstition was lost to a white fog.

He was perfectly content there, walking on a path that led to nowhere, listening absently to Hermione's questions and the hazy class's inaudible chatter as the sun shone overhead in a forest that should have been dark and menacing. Remus would have happily spend the whole day there, just walking.

However, even Remus in his foggy state noticed that soon, with each step, the trees and sky grew darker and more foreboding, and that the birds and distant gossip of the class soon quieted into an uneasy silence. As Remus entered into a small clearing, the professor turned around to check on the class. All the shadowed traces of the third years had vanished. Only Harry, Ron, and Hermione remained. Remus frowned. Had he sent the others away? He opened his mouth to question the trio-

And in the underbrush alongside the trees, a twig snapped.

Remus whirled around on his heel to face the sound, instinctively putting out an arm and backing up a step to protect the three students and to keep them behind him. In the depths of his mind, he wondered if this protection would be a match for an experienced and armed wizard that could be lurking out of sight.

Instead, he slowly moved his wand arm up, his limbs oddly heavy, and said sharply, "_Lumos_!"

A dazzling light filled the clearing. There was absolutely nothing there that showed up in the light, but Lupin's spell only went so far. A mere few yards away, the clearing abruptly stopped, and the pitch-black shadows contrasted when they grew where the light didn't touch.

And out of this darkness, a shadow suddenly shifted. Lupin felt every muscle in his back tense as a pair of disembodied eyes come into view just beyond the forest line. They were unnaturally vivid, Remus found that as soon as he stared into them, he couldn't look away. Although at first they appeared bleary and disoriented, like a person's who had just woken up after a long sleep, but then they snapped into a narrowed ferocity. The figure that belonged to the eyes moved into the light slowly, a skeletal hand clenched tightly around a wand first appearing, pointing directly at Remus's chest.

A thin, bloodless face emerged from the shadows next, with the vivid eyes cold and calculating. They gave off the appearance that a great warmth had been behind them, once upon a time, but now, exposed to the harsher realities of the world, been extinguished. His mouth was set in a humorless smile. Wild, black hair framed his face, and settled into peace just below his broad shoulders. The old trenchcoat that he wore mirrored the darkness of the forest beyond Remus's cast light.

It was Sirius Black.

At first, the pair did nothing but stare at each other. Remus's mind was racing wildly, and he was painfully aware of his heart beating violently in his chest. This man before him was his oldest friend. And he was, at the same time, his greatest enemy.

So Remus chose to be neural. "Sirius." He stated his old friend's name as emotionlessly as he could.

Sirius's eyes glittered in a way that made the werewolf feel uneasy. "Remus," he answered back. His voice was the same as the Sirius that Remus had always remembered, but its tone was completely different. Instead of the usual, bold resonance, it was horribly sadistic and twisted, shadowing the accent of a different time. It reminded Remus vaguely of thorns. "_Expelliarmus_." He flicked his wand, and before Remus could register the movement, his wand was spiraling out of his grasp.

Sirius reached up and caught the wand with one hand and tossed it out of the way, his eyes not bothering to leave Remus's. "I must thank you, my _old friend_." He put a special emphasis on the last two words. "You've helped me in ways that I would have thought unimaginable."

Something inside Remus's mind was bending dangerously in order to withstand the pressure that was being put on it. Aside from the dull shock of seeing Sirius again, he was trying to struggle with the fact of how _normal_ Sirius sounded. _Fudge was right when he said that Azkaban had failed to unhinge him._ "What are you doing here, Sirius?" he managed to choke out.

Sirius's unnerving smile grew wider. "Finishing business that my Master failed to do." He stared in a hungry way over Lupin's shoulder, and his eyes glinted emptily. "Get out of the way, Remus."

Remus slowly backed up, and put out his other arm in another vain attempt to protect his late best friend's son. "No." His voice shook slightly, and he swallowed.

Something flickered across the murderer's face that vanished so quickly that Remus couldn't be quite sure it had been there. "You don't have a wand to defend them with. You might as well poke me with a stick. I _am_ going to kill Harry, Remus." His voice dropped to a deadly whisper. "Whether you are going with him or not."

The werewolf under Remus's human skin shrieked. It was not used to being spoken to like that. It grew, and 'Moony' felt it fighting to spring to life and avenge James and Lily Potter's deaths. "_I will not let you harm any more innocents_," he hissed through suddenly clenched teeth, the wolf breaking through.

Sirius looked very taken aback. His face transformed into his younger face, which had seen happier years, so much that the wolf fell away, very much confused and bewildered itself. Remus remembered a time when such a look from Sirius Black was enough to make him burst out laughing. Outwardly, he did his best to quiet the growl that was beginning to grow in his throat.

But a second later, Sirius's original same brooding look replaced the face of classic confusion. "You're just like Peter, you know. He was tempted too, but no, nothing doing. There was too much hanging on the line for his liking." He laughed cruelly. "He was so terrified. He had just opened his mouth to beg for his life before I blew him to pieces."

Hearing this talk was enough to make Remus's stomach flip over. "Don't talk about Peter like that," he snarled angrily. "I'm not tempted at all. I'm not a murderous traitor. I'm not like _you_."

"Are you not?" The creepy glitter in the Sirius's eyes was back. "I've seen times when you were quite murderous indeed, _Moony_. I've even seen you go after a perceivably _innocent_ boy." He grinned suddenly. "Slimy git. I wish you had gotten him. You were so close to having his human blood smeared all over your claws."

_I... That's... That's not fair. He can't... _

He was hitting a bruised note for Remus. His lack of self-control while he was transformed was the thing that the werewolf feared most, and Sirius knew this. He had to still know that Remus was hurting and haunted by the one past transformation that was the most terrible of all, the one where he had almost taken a human life. He had no way to respond to the accusation, and this made Sirius smirk dangerously, knowing that he had him.

"Hell, Remus..." his voice lowered noticeably, and he was suddenly speaking in a level, measured tone, his deranged smile gone. "I've seen you try to kill James and me both. Not even as adults. As kids." He paused to discern the effect this had on the werewolf. "How is that, in _any way_, different from what I did to Peter and James?"

Something in Remus's mind snapped.

He was suddenly very aware that he was shaking uncontrollably, not with the oncoming of a transformation, but with rage. He spoke with such a deliberate slowness so that not one word would be missed. "I wish I had killed you," he spat. All the careful control that the quiet werewolf had built came crashing down around him, and though subconsciously he rushed to build it back up, it kept hitting him as it tumbled down again. He found that he couldn't stop the words that were falling out of his mouth. "I wish I had seen you for what you really were, Sirius- a traitor. I wish I could have killed you before you could ever murder thirteen innocent Muggles. Before you could ever betray Lilly and James and Peter- and me." He silenced, still shaking. He had never felt such hatred coursing through his blood like this before, but it was a rage that had sadness etched into every cell.

Sirius smiled knowingly, as if he had won an argument. "I see."

For a long while, neither of them said a word, frozen in their places, one with a raised wand, and the other with his arms outstretched, protecting something that (unknown to Lupin) was no longer there. Sirius, the Attacker, and Remus, the Defender.

_What an ironic change from our old Hogwarts days._

Remus, who had used the brief silence to get his anger under control once more, ventured a last question. "Where you always planning this, Sirius?" he voice was slightly hoarse, and tense, as if he was fearing to lose his restraint again.

There was another pause, then the dark man's voice echoed out to him, soft but still menacing, with the traces of his old growl that Remus remembered so well. "Yes." He looked wistful, as if remembering a proud moment long forgotten. "My duty, first and foremost, was always to my family. The ancient and most noble house of Black. We needed a spy in Hogwarts as time went by, and I was _happy_ to volunteer. With you, one of my best friends, as Dumbuldore's special, trusted werewolf pet? They knew that I could get close to Dumbuldore with that. I couldn't pass it up."

Remus drew a sharp intake of breath very quietly. "So everything was all a lie. Everything you were was just a facade. A mask."

Sirius gave Remus a bored look, and flicked the end of his wand absently, as if he was itching to use it, but wanted to finish the conversation first. "Didn't we already go over this?"

"I don't believe it." The werewolf shook his head slowly, his eyes never leaving Sirius's. "You couldn't have been James's friend- _my_ friend- and been able to deceive us. You just- you just couldn't have-"

The bark-like laugh that had once been so merry sounding was reduced to being colder then ice. "I _know_ that the best masks have cracks, Moony, but I couldn't help it. You were all _so_ gullible, _especially_ you and Peter. I think James didn't trust me at first, but that cleared up after a while. It made it all the more satisfying to finally betray him at last."

He raised his wand, and Remus felt a new emotion run through him. Not fear, or anger, as one would think, but unbelievable sadness. "And now, I finish off the last of the Marauders, our dear resident werewolf." He swished his wand in the oncoming spell's movement. "Say goodbye to life, Moony."

The sorrow that the last Marauder felt was evident in his next words. "I'm sorry, Padfoot," he whispered, as he turned his head away, closed his eyes and waited. He did not want the green of the killing curse to be the last thing that he ever saw on earth, so instead he focused on another time, on a happier memory. The faces of Lily, James, Peter and even a younger Sirius were clearly visible in his mind's eye as he remembered the Potter's wedding.

There was an uncomfortable pause that lasted an abnormally long time while the Remus was turned away. After a long while, when Lupin was sure no curse was forthcoming, he opened one eye and peered uneasily at his old best friend, his executioner.

Sirius was nowhere to be seen.

Instead, where the convict had been standing, a silvery orb was silently floating in place, defying all the laws of physics (but perhaps not the laws concerning magic). Remus frowned uncertainly at it. It almost looked like a- full moon?

Remus opened his other eye for a better look.

And he was back in his room of the Hogwarts castle, where upon looking out the open window directly across from him one could discern the time was right before dawn. Remus Lupin was sitting bolt upright amidst his bedsheets that were soaked with sweat. He pressed a cool shirtsleeve against his forehead, trying to wipe away the cold sweat that he had awoken with, and the unnerved feeling that he seldom had, but now was left with as the effects of the lingering dream.

When his shoulders slowly relaxed on their own, Remus slumped up against the wall, hardly tired anymore. Instead, his hand reached for his wand, and his amber eyes swept his room alertly as he looked for anything that could have been the source of his nightmare.

There it was, as Remus narrowed his eyes to put it into sharper focus. A shining ball of silver glass, almost so small it was unnoticeable to the eye that was not searching for it, hovered a few feet above an abandoned cage on a shelf in an upper corner of the room.

"_Accio_ _boggart_," he said, flicking his wand. He noticed that his movements were not entirely his own yet- his hand was shaking visibly, and his fingers twitched involuntarily when he tightened them around the wand as he cast the Summoning Charm.

The boggart came gliding toward him, and bobbled harmlessly before him above his knees when he drew his wand away. It did not seem the least bit intimidated by the wizard, on the contrary, a white mist emerged from either side near the base of the moon, making it look very formidable indeed.

Remus was not amused. He did not like dealing with boggarts when he had not expected them, and this one had not been anticipated in the least bit to walk into Remus's dreams. He feebly tried to grasp a way to make the moon and his lingering nightmare seem entertaining, but to no avail. He was completely spent, energy-wise. So he did something that he wouldn't usually expect of himself, but rather something that James or - it felt like an iron hand was pressing on his chest, making it harder to breath- Sirius would have done.

He swished his wand and murmured an '_Alohomora_!', pointing beyond the boggart at the window. It flew open as the blue spell rebounded against the lock, letting an icy, but refreshing wind swept and spiral through the room. Remus spoke very quietly, as to not make the spell harsher then intended. "_Reducto_."

The boggart sailed cleanly out the window.

Satisfied, he again leaned back against the headboard, staring absently at the ceiling. He pulled his bedsheets closer around his shoulders, even though subconsciously he knew it would not do much help. It wasn't the open window that had brought on a sudden chill, but the sharp reminder of Sirius, who Remus had spent much of the half-term he had been teaching at Hogwarts been trying to forget, and block out of his memory as if he had never been there.

It had been hard. Memories of the Marauder days were down every corridor and lurking in every classroom out of sight, unknown to all but to him (and perhaps to Severus Snape, who may have remembered some of the more negative moments of Marauder history). But up until now, he had managed it.

He pushed away the covers and stood up, walking to his wardrobe briskly, suddenly angry at himself. _That_ _Sirius is dead, _he told himself. _He's dead, and he's not coming back. He will never come back. So forget about it. _Somehow thinking along those lines felt wrong. As if he was... betraying Sirius. Remus frowned as he tried to jam on a sock. _I am not betraying him. _He _was the one who betrayed _us

Trying to dismiss any more of his own thoughts on the matter, he slammed his wardrobe shut (and closed it a lot harder then he intended to, making it snap back and nearly hit him in the face) and stormed downstairs to the Great Hall, feeling as if he had just lost an enormous argument.

_Boggarts are shape shifting creatures that form quickly into the worst fear of the person it sees..._

It wasn't the fact that Black had killed the Potters and Peter that made Remus feel the most petrified. It was the fact that his Marauder brother, Padfoot, _could_ have known that he would kill James and eventually betray Dumbuldore the whole time, the whole seven years, and not make a single mistake to make anyone suspect a thing.

And that twelve years later, perhaps he would think of it, and smile.

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